Its crap that a dead person looks like they are sleeping. There simply is no spark, no essence, they truly are a husk – nothing left but the outside. Its horrible looking at the face of a loved one and knowing that they just aren’t there – its like looking at a bad portrait painted quickly and without adding the details.
An elderly aunt of mine died this week and today was the funeral. Our family is wide spread – but traveled from overseas to be there today. We are not the kissy huggy type and many of us do not write or ring or even send Christmas Cards. I went alone – not wanting to take my children – not to protect them – but out of respect. A funeral for me is not a circus nor somewhere that you get ‘seen’. If the kids had known Aunty, then it would have been appropriate to take them – but they had only met her a few times fleetingly. Her influence on me was when I was growing up and as a young adult.
As I wandered up the grassy slopes of the cemetery and toward the chapel, I saw relatives I hadn’t caught up with in over 20 years. We all looked older fatter and just a bit bedraggled. Sunglasses were the order of the day.
What a celebration of her life the Eulogy was. A tribute to the life and love of my aunt. Her story alone needs to be told in a book. She was 15 when the war broke out. 8th in a family of 10 – her sisters and younger brother took over running the dairy and pig farm while her brothers and father enlisted to go and fight overseas. Her son had such grace and love as he read out stories which made us laugh recalling family favourite tales of her youth and romance. How over the years of the war a young delivery trick driver who picked up the mile every day fell in love with the young farming girl.
I always wondered how our family who never touch except to say good bye ( and only some of us do that) it the kiss she started – she refused to let her brothers go to war without a kiss. She forced her children to kiss each other every time they parted – no matter how long it was. At the Graveside, words were spoken as the coffin lowered. As it slowly sunk down, everyone took out a white handkerchief and began to wave it. I have tears in my eyes thinking of the image right now. This was another thing she always did at every parting. She had a white linen handkerchief which she waved madly at every parting. I can see her in the distance waving that handkerchief and I am still crying. “ Until we see each other again”
Spontaneously the family erupted into “shes a jolly good fellow” along with the traditional howls and elongated ‘felloooooooowwww” that happens at family gatherings when this is sung. As it died out, the sobs started.
The universe works in strange ways and I wanted to share this experience with you as well. In the crowd I stood with a lonely lady who introduced herself to me asking if I were a relative. She said she was once a relative – but kept in contact with the family and was still very much part of it.
In the chapel I sat with a lady and her small family. We exchanged pleasantries. Within a few words of the speech , she was overcome with emotion and they left to stand at the back .
During the service the two women bothered me – I knew them somehow ( obviously they were relatives but who and where did they fit?) It was at the gravesite that I worked it out. When I was 12, cousins we had not met before came to visit. I have vivid memories of playing on swings and having a wonderful time with them – an older girl – the same age as I and twin girls. Months later we had news that a drunk driver had knocked the older girl from her bike killing her instantly and that one of the twins was severely injured. I was really affected by that news and still have stabbing pains as I think of it – and yet I only knew her for such a fleeting moment.
Rightly or wrongly, I sought out the two ladies and introduced myself again relating my story. It was a really lovely moment to share with them. My cousin, strangely enough was buried in the graveyard we were standing in.
I don’t know if there is closer with death. I saw my aunt being lowered down, earth being thrown on the top of her coffin. They use fine sand now – so that there isn’t the heavy thud noise. Its all too sad…. Can’t write any more.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
When work and social life clash.
I’m not talking about when your social life is just too busy to include work – or when you are too busy checking facebook and answering personal emails at work that you have no time to do your own actual work ..
When does the rights of your personal life interfere with that of work? How much control aught your work and employer have over what you do and how you conduct yourself in your personal and private times?
Thinking of extremes, perhaps a religious (i.e priesthood), early childhood or educational worker ( teachers etc) aught not have a public second business in pole dancing or S& M services – however, once you have clocked off from work – what right does your employer have on what you do and where you go in your social life?
I understand that there is a n element of trust in certain roles and jobs. In the not too distant past teachers had a code of conduct to adhere to – not being seen in bars and hotels and the like. Women had to leave when they fell pregnant and or got married in many jobs.
I also have seen the fall out when people talk a little too lossly on their blogs – so it pays to be careful about what you write on your blog – There are all sorts of searches when you go for a new job – often the interviewer will check your facebook and blogspaces – If they don’t like what you write – or have an issue with they way you present your self –then it can affect the outcome of that interview. (rightly or wrongly) It would be naïve to think that employers don’t look at what you are up to and the photos within the public space.
Anyways- what is on MY goat is that my brother – a hard working normal bloke within the construction industry has just been booted from the company he has been with for 13 years. He is a foreman and has loved his job and traveled all over to be with the same group. Officially his separation certificate states that there was a downturn of work - however as coincidence would have it…… this is what happened.
I am not hiding the fact he likes to have a few parties at his rented house. He makes them big and loud and lots of people are invited. He is s wicked cocktail maker and likes to have costume parties and lots of fun. The local police know him… and Saturday night goes something like this…. 11 pm – they turn up – knock on the door and he will turn the music down – they wave and all is fine. Sometimes the neighbors will put a note in the letterbox with a returned beer bottle or piece of pizza that had been thrown over the fence accompanied with a ‘cleaning bill” of $50 - $100 –which he just pays to keep them happy.
Last Sat night was no different. However on Monday – he was hauled into the main office and put on speaker phone to the State Manager – who then ripped shreds off him about being irresponsible and putting the company in disrepute. Then on Friday he gets the separation slip and told not to come back on Monday – to hand in his mobile, keys and ute asap. Nice.
So – what place does the social life reflect on a companys image – when that party is in out of office or work hours? Has it got so crazy that you can’t socialise with workmates? Seems to me the State Manager has been tipped over the coals by someone else – and its all just a big political thing – who knows….
When does the rights of your personal life interfere with that of work? How much control aught your work and employer have over what you do and how you conduct yourself in your personal and private times?
Thinking of extremes, perhaps a religious (i.e priesthood), early childhood or educational worker ( teachers etc) aught not have a public second business in pole dancing or S& M services – however, once you have clocked off from work – what right does your employer have on what you do and where you go in your social life?
I understand that there is a n element of trust in certain roles and jobs. In the not too distant past teachers had a code of conduct to adhere to – not being seen in bars and hotels and the like. Women had to leave when they fell pregnant and or got married in many jobs.
I also have seen the fall out when people talk a little too lossly on their blogs – so it pays to be careful about what you write on your blog – There are all sorts of searches when you go for a new job – often the interviewer will check your facebook and blogspaces – If they don’t like what you write – or have an issue with they way you present your self –then it can affect the outcome of that interview. (rightly or wrongly) It would be naïve to think that employers don’t look at what you are up to and the photos within the public space.
Anyways- what is on MY goat is that my brother – a hard working normal bloke within the construction industry has just been booted from the company he has been with for 13 years. He is a foreman and has loved his job and traveled all over to be with the same group. Officially his separation certificate states that there was a downturn of work - however as coincidence would have it…… this is what happened.
I am not hiding the fact he likes to have a few parties at his rented house. He makes them big and loud and lots of people are invited. He is s wicked cocktail maker and likes to have costume parties and lots of fun. The local police know him… and Saturday night goes something like this…. 11 pm – they turn up – knock on the door and he will turn the music down – they wave and all is fine. Sometimes the neighbors will put a note in the letterbox with a returned beer bottle or piece of pizza that had been thrown over the fence accompanied with a ‘cleaning bill” of $50 - $100 –which he just pays to keep them happy.
Last Sat night was no different. However on Monday – he was hauled into the main office and put on speaker phone to the State Manager – who then ripped shreds off him about being irresponsible and putting the company in disrepute. Then on Friday he gets the separation slip and told not to come back on Monday – to hand in his mobile, keys and ute asap. Nice.
So – what place does the social life reflect on a companys image – when that party is in out of office or work hours? Has it got so crazy that you can’t socialise with workmates? Seems to me the State Manager has been tipped over the coals by someone else – and its all just a big political thing – who knows….
Sunday, October 12, 2008
The inequity of parenting
How is it that two perfectly normal, sensitive and apparently spiritually progressive people can tumble into the stone ages when the role of parenting breeches the walls of their love?
I had thought I had escaped the Victorian codes of conduct I grew up with when I met and married my dearheart. He had lived on his own for many years and was independent ( big tick) Yes when we live together the chores are equally divided, yes you cook and I’ll clean and then the next night we will swap, yes – lets go shopping for food together, yes you can choose to keep your maiden name when we marry, yes you can choose a natural birth, yes you can choose to work or stay at home when you become a mother, yes we will breastfeed on demand, yes our sex life will stay the same during pregnancy and afterwards forever.... and then baby arrives. You stumble through the days, aware of day or night, bleary eyed and constantly weeping. And everything starts to change.
It happens gradually, but it happens. Dishes pile up, washing stays on the line for a week or in the basket moldering. The house hasn’t been vacuumed for weeks and you can’t remember when the sheets were changed last. You are a stay at home mum, looking after children and apparently having a wonderful time because you don’t work and lets not forget the big one – you no longer earn any money. All that freedom and liberation you thought you had earn when you worked slips from your fingers like sand and just as impossible to regain as attempting to catch quicksilver.
Great lists of things to do, jobs and errands to run being piling up and you wonder when you had the time to work before you had children. Plates don’t get lifted from the table and washing piles in corners. (I have always refused to iron so at least that’s not an issue) I swing between scrupulously cleaning and tidying till the house shins like a new pin and giving up because I am the only one who seemingly cares or does anything about it. It wouldn’t be so bad except I get constantly snipped about the state of the house if I am the “I don’t care mode.”
And yes – I have tried a number of strategies – starting way back when my first was only a very new baby and hubbys job was to bathe him. I let it go for three days – baby had not been washed – despite me putting out all the gear and readying everything. Its still an issue – when I go out to my classes I need to ensure the kids have been bathed and dinner is in front of them – otherwise I come home and they are still racing round at 9 pm on a school night as dirty as pigs and eating biscuits. I keep thinking that its just me – and my high standards; so I do it all..
I doubt that its my own dearheart that is the only male guilty of this slippage back into the 1950s set of gender roles.
I read in forums and on the internet how parents share the roles, but in my circle of friends in my own experience, this is not happening. I wonder if these people are telling the truth for fear of being abnormal – or if I really am the only one? Breastfeeding was not a joy at 3 am in the middle of winter – creeping about not trying to wake hubby because he had to work the next day. I fear I have set the feminist movement back 50 years and am at a loss of how it happened or how to make it stop. I am sure many men underestimate the importance of and necessity for a strongly-involved male parenting role and the self-satisfaction one derives from it. Don’t get me wrong – I love being a mum – and really wouldn’t swap it for quids.
With some digging, I found that this was not always the case. Until the early 1800s, most child-rearing manuals were directed at men, who had the majority of the say about child-rearing. With the advance of industrialization, the father was more and more removed from the home. This resulted in females making more of the house and child rearing decisions. Ultimately this meant that men lost an integral part of the whole human experience with the shift in these decision making processes.
Many movies and television programs are now often showing the joys and pleasures of male parenting, and schools are now providing much-needed parenting training. I wonder however if this is enough – as there are just as many anti male role models ( The Simpsons, Californication, Marriage with Kids to name a few) although men are now becoming more emotionally available to their children than their fathers were, we have a long way to go.
I had thought I had escaped the Victorian codes of conduct I grew up with when I met and married my dearheart. He had lived on his own for many years and was independent ( big tick) Yes when we live together the chores are equally divided, yes you cook and I’ll clean and then the next night we will swap, yes – lets go shopping for food together, yes you can choose to keep your maiden name when we marry, yes you can choose a natural birth, yes you can choose to work or stay at home when you become a mother, yes we will breastfeed on demand, yes our sex life will stay the same during pregnancy and afterwards forever.... and then baby arrives. You stumble through the days, aware of day or night, bleary eyed and constantly weeping. And everything starts to change.
It happens gradually, but it happens. Dishes pile up, washing stays on the line for a week or in the basket moldering. The house hasn’t been vacuumed for weeks and you can’t remember when the sheets were changed last. You are a stay at home mum, looking after children and apparently having a wonderful time because you don’t work and lets not forget the big one – you no longer earn any money. All that freedom and liberation you thought you had earn when you worked slips from your fingers like sand and just as impossible to regain as attempting to catch quicksilver.
Great lists of things to do, jobs and errands to run being piling up and you wonder when you had the time to work before you had children. Plates don’t get lifted from the table and washing piles in corners. (I have always refused to iron so at least that’s not an issue) I swing between scrupulously cleaning and tidying till the house shins like a new pin and giving up because I am the only one who seemingly cares or does anything about it. It wouldn’t be so bad except I get constantly snipped about the state of the house if I am the “I don’t care mode.”
And yes – I have tried a number of strategies – starting way back when my first was only a very new baby and hubbys job was to bathe him. I let it go for three days – baby had not been washed – despite me putting out all the gear and readying everything. Its still an issue – when I go out to my classes I need to ensure the kids have been bathed and dinner is in front of them – otherwise I come home and they are still racing round at 9 pm on a school night as dirty as pigs and eating biscuits. I keep thinking that its just me – and my high standards; so I do it all..
I doubt that its my own dearheart that is the only male guilty of this slippage back into the 1950s set of gender roles.
I read in forums and on the internet how parents share the roles, but in my circle of friends in my own experience, this is not happening. I wonder if these people are telling the truth for fear of being abnormal – or if I really am the only one? Breastfeeding was not a joy at 3 am in the middle of winter – creeping about not trying to wake hubby because he had to work the next day. I fear I have set the feminist movement back 50 years and am at a loss of how it happened or how to make it stop. I am sure many men underestimate the importance of and necessity for a strongly-involved male parenting role and the self-satisfaction one derives from it. Don’t get me wrong – I love being a mum – and really wouldn’t swap it for quids.
With some digging, I found that this was not always the case. Until the early 1800s, most child-rearing manuals were directed at men, who had the majority of the say about child-rearing. With the advance of industrialization, the father was more and more removed from the home. This resulted in females making more of the house and child rearing decisions. Ultimately this meant that men lost an integral part of the whole human experience with the shift in these decision making processes.
Many movies and television programs are now often showing the joys and pleasures of male parenting, and schools are now providing much-needed parenting training. I wonder however if this is enough – as there are just as many anti male role models ( The Simpsons, Californication, Marriage with Kids to name a few) although men are now becoming more emotionally available to their children than their fathers were, we have a long way to go.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Blog Action Day - End Poverty
Writing for Blog Action Day
A few hours ago, the Blog Action Day 08 campaign officially began. This year the theme is "Poverty", and I encourage fellow bloggers around the world to once again explore this issue on your blogs on October 15th. How about you join too?
View and hear a jazzy video here or here at (via Change.org). You can copy the link to it at Vimeo and Brightcover.TV and email it to friends and get the code to embed it on your own website pages and blogs.
Please join in and if you get a little Writer's Block about what to put in your post on Blog Action Day, the site even offers a page of resources to spur your creativity.
To join Neshamah's Blog Action Day*Chain: Post to your blog about joining & include the link to this post so I can find yours.
Your blog link will be added to the Blog Action Day*Chain below....
These Blogs are part of Blog Action Day 08
Please visit them and continue the chain.
Please visit them and continue the chain.
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