Expectations of kids

I took four small children to a Christmas concert yesterday, hosted by the State Orchestra. We have been going for years – ever since the eldest was a baby. Each year I see proud mums drag their little darlings along bedecked in tinsel in hair and handmade Christmas outfits. I watch just about every other child stand and dance in rhythm to the music,clap and sing along to well known tunes and generally interact with the show.

I watched my four charges carefully yesterday. The 13 month old was the only one totally engaged – wriggling and clapping to the music. The other three sat in a row – staring directly forward with little expression on their faces. I stopped myself begging them to enjoy them selves, or asking them to stand up and join in.

The program was designed for small people – full of interesting information about the Orchestral instruments in a story format, interlaced with well known Christmas tunes and interaction with the crowd by a well known children’s presenter.

I desperately wanted my kids to look like they were enjoying themselves or taking in the rich music presented. As I looked about the room full of twirling Christmas fairies, a cold knife stabbed deeply into the mother guilt heart. Perhaps if I had played classical music to the more as babies or whilst in the womb they would be enjoying the excerpts from the nutcracker. Perhaps if I had enrolled them in toddler dance classes they would feel more confident to stand and twirl with the rest of them. Perhaps if I made the time to sew frocks bedecking them with ribbon and appliqué, then I too would look like a mother who cared about the development of her children. Instead as I looked down at my food encrusted shirt I was certain was clean when I got in the car to come, I look like a skanky harassed hag. At least I wasn’t nagging them to stand up – but if telepathy existed their brains would have been fried with my inner shouts and pleas.

I then thought of the autistic kids I used to teach and sent a blessing to those parents – thinking about what they must go through – the unconditional love they must hold for their kids. Feedback is such an important aspect of a relationship - and I was gaining little to no feedback from the three stooges as they stared into space within the concert hall.

The concert ended and I had ensured that I had sung Christmas Carols loudly and had clapped and cheered at he end even if the plebs I took did not. AS I buckled the kids into the car, I hesitatingly asked if they had enjoyed the morning; whilst calculating what other things I might have done instead of wasting money on these tickets.

Oh Mummy I liked the songs

No – the drums were best

I liked the horn player

That man was silly with his reindeer horned hat wasn’t he?

SO – You did like the concert then?

Oh yes – the resounding replies were. Can we go next year?

I reflected as we drove off on whose enjoyment I was expecting. My kids are very introspective in any case – but I might have expected at least one of them Miss Show Off to have joined in the fairly ring which had spontaneously erupted in front of us during one of the tinkling songs.

You just never know do you? Who am I to place what I believe is enjoyment onto their beliefs? I was just trying to placate the mother guilt beast and to show off myself – to all the other show off mums; all of us desperately trying to convince the other that we are good parents.

The inequity of parenting

How is it that two perfectly normal, sensitive and apparently spiritually progressive people can tumble into the stone ages when the role of parenting breeches the walls of their love?

I had thought I had escaped the Victorian codes of conduct I grew up with when I met and married my dearheart. He had lived on his own for many years and was independent ( big tick) Yes when we live together the chores are equally divided, yes you cook and I’ll clean and then the next night we will swap, yes – lets go shopping for food together, yes you can choose to keep your maiden name when we marry, yes you can choose a natural birth, yes you can choose to work or stay at home when you become a mother, yes we will breastfeed on demand, yes our sex life will stay the same during pregnancy and afterwards forever.... and then baby arrives. You stumble through the days, aware of day or night, bleary eyed and constantly weeping. And everything starts to change.

It happens gradually, but it happens. Dishes pile up, washing stays on the line for a week or in the basket moldering. The house hasn’t been vacuumed for weeks and you can’t remember when the sheets were changed last. You are a stay at home mum, looking after children and apparently having a wonderful time because you don’t work and lets not forget the big one – you no longer earn any money. All that freedom and liberation you thought you had earn when you worked slips from your fingers like sand and just as impossible to regain as attempting to catch quicksilver.

Great lists of things to do, jobs and errands to run being piling up and you wonder when you had the time to work before you had children. Plates don’t get lifted from the table and washing piles in corners. (I have always refused to iron so at least that’s not an issue) I swing between scrupulously cleaning and tidying till the house shins like a new pin and giving up because I am the only one who seemingly cares or does anything about it. It wouldn’t be so bad except I get constantly snipped about the state of the house if I am the “I don’t care mode.”

And yes – I have tried a number of strategies – starting way back when my first was only a very new baby and hubbys job was to bathe him. I let it go for three days – baby had not been washed – despite me putting out all the gear and readying everything. Its still an issue – when I go out to my classes I need to ensure the kids have been bathed and dinner is in front of them – otherwise I come home and they are still racing round at 9 pm on a school night as dirty as pigs and eating biscuits. I keep thinking that its just me – and my high standards; so I do it all..

I doubt that its my own dearheart that is the only male guilty of this slippage back into the 1950s set of gender roles.

I read in forums and on the internet how parents share the roles, but in my circle of friends in my own experience, this is not happening. I wonder if these people are telling the truth for fear of being abnormal – or if I really am the only one? Breastfeeding was not a joy at 3 am in the middle of winter – creeping about not trying to wake hubby because he had to work the next day. I fear I have set the feminist movement back 50 years and am at a loss of how it happened or how to make it stop. I am sure many men underestimate the importance of and necessity for a strongly-involved male parenting role and the self-satisfaction one derives from it. Don’t get me wrong – I love being a mum – and really wouldn’t swap it for quids.

With some digging, I found that this was not always the case. Until the early 1800s, most child-rearing manuals were directed at men, who had the majority of the say about child-rearing. With the advance of industrialization, the father was more and more removed from the home. This resulted in females making more of the house and child rearing decisions. Ultimately this meant that men lost an integral part of the whole human experience with the shift in these decision making processes.

Many movies and television programs are now often showing the joys and pleasures of male parenting, and schools are now providing much-needed parenting training. I wonder however if this is enough – as there are just as many anti male role models ( The Simpsons, Californication, Marriage with Kids to name a few) although men are now becoming more emotionally available to their children than their fathers were, we have a long way to go.

Cartwheeling into School yard Dangers

Yesterdays news broke with an astounding discovery that a North Queensland School has banned children doing cartwheels.

For reports on this go to :

ABC Report

Brisbane Times Report


At first I thought it may be a knee jerk reaction to a playground tragedy that may have occurred –but none such existed.

Sadly it shows that our commonsense has been saturated with fear. Many bloggers in Australia have commented on this incident and I can only add to the disgust and hopelessness of the whole situation.

Will banning this stop kids doing stupid things? I doubt it. As a school kid, we weren’t supposed to climb trees or walk on the fence or tease the bull over the road – but did we? You bet!

By banning a quintessential activity such as doing cartwheels, it sends the message that children don’t know their own boundaries, they are never allowed to explore them and gather no experience when pushed to test new grounds. We are wrapping them up in cottonwool, never allowing them to grow up, to get hurt, to get over it, to suck it up and get on with life....I never did cartwheels at school or anywhere else – not that we weren’t allowed to – I was just unco-ordinated and pretty non sporty – but I tried, fell on my face a few times and worked out my boundaries were pretty low on the athletics side of the game.
If a child gets no sense of their boundries, they don’t learn about challenges, they never learn to fall and get up again, never get a sense of what their body is capable of.

Many commentators have be cried this decision as Queensland especially faces huge childhood obesity rates and this seems to fly in the face of the move it groove it state where children are meant to undertake physical activities.

The school, education department and State Government have been quick to back up their ban citing child safety as the main issue and that litigation was not a concern at all. There is a report about "Mellennium Kids" being disruptive, inattentive and undermotivated. On the one hand we are told that children need to get away from the computer games and television, get outdoors, exercise and actually engage with another human being. But on the other hand we are being told that exercise is being restricted or eliminated because of litigation and insurance fears

What sort of injury risk is really there? Thousands of children across Australia cartwheeling their way through the schoolyard every day with very few reported injuries.

A study on childhood school based injuries can be found

Here

The department is citing the cartwheel as an unstructured and unsupervised gymnastic activity. Perhaps this is so – but are they suggesting that there will be no free time for children to explore their capabilities? Some have suggested that activities be put in place at the break times. As a past teacher I shudder – for the children and for the teachers. They both need time away from each other to gather wits and to breathe….It’s a sad day when child's play becomes "unsupervised gymnastic activities".

Social Integrity

This is a phrase that I have bandied about for a while, the idea solidifying as I experience more and more of the lack of it.

Social integrity is to keep ones word within a social context. If you say you will attend a party or a gathering, you put it into your diary and ensure that you go. You don’t allow another engagement to supersede it, or change your mind that day to whether you will be attending or not. Obviously there are a few exceptions – family being one for me particularly. There is a disturbing trend with people either not committing or their answers saying they will see what happens. What? Are they thinking that something better will come along? Am I of such low value in the friendship stakes that if they are faced at staying at home and watching the telly that they will have a think about it a few moments before they are meant to arrive to whether they will stay plonked staring at the idiot box or come and visit me?

I absolutely hate hosting party plan parties. I always feel like such a loser who has no friends. The poor consultant stands twiddling her thumbs looking at the empty chairs placed around the room and at the huge spread of food I invariably spend the day baking from scratch… and me kicking my heels into the benchs, going red because I had lots of people say they were going to come , and none show – or ring to say they were busy a few moments before the party was to start.

I am also disheartened with hosting dinner parties. I adore cooking a wonderful meal, choosing special wines, decorating the table and ensuring I have interesting guests who many not know each other – but to introduce them and forge friendships through the party. I wouldn’t say that I am an especially good cook. However, I pride myself in making everything from scratch. I am a creative cook and love to experiment with tastes and textures – much to the amusement of my family. ( I don’t experiment with dinner party food – they are tried and true recipes….) After the meal and we have fare welled our guests, I will usually ensure I tidy the kitchen and clear most of the dishes etc away before going to bed….I hardly will ever hear from the guests again in relation to the night. Where has manners gone? A note .. an sms, an email – simply saying – great meal last night –thanks. And I cannot think of a time we have been invited back for a meal at someones home. I used to think it was because I have two small children, but remembering back to before then, it was still the same deal. Besides, I have taken a great deal of trouble to ensure my kids have great table manners and I have no problems taking them to flash restaurants. I refuse to have children as an excuse for not having a life – so they come with us everywhere.

The event that has tipped me over the edge happened to me a few weekends ago. I had not seen a particular girlfriend or her kids for months, so arranged to have her come to my place for lunch on a Saturday. Her little boy had soccer practice and mine had music lessons in the morning, so it suited us both to meet for a shared lunch, catch up on gossip and allow the kids to play together. She has been a very dear friend and I had been looking forward to spending time with her since we made our arrangement. That morning, I fussed around the house, put flowers everywhere and made special efforts to ensure things were looking fresh and tidy. I had prepared a gorgeous light lunch with a very special dessert and laid the table. By 12.30, my kids were whiny and hungry, desperate to play with their friends and to eat lunch. I called her just to see if perhaps she had been caught up with a long practice session or in traffic. I was so astounded at her answer, I was speechless ( not a state I usually dwell in). She said “ Oh Hi. I was meaning to give you a call. We aren’t coming. Luke has a bit of a cold so didn’t think you’d want to catch it”. For one thing, I have long soliloquized my views on ‘colds’ and ‘sniffles’ ( very briefly – I don’t believe you can catch a cold – it’s a reaction of a body whose immune system is run down, not something that you can catch or pass on.) I was shocked that someone would leave it that late for a lunch date to pull out – especially given that they didn’t go to soccer practice that morning either. There was no resetting of a date or any follow up in communication. To say I was disappointed on many levels is an understatement.

So, I have collated a few simple rules in order for people to uphold social integrity. They may seem mundane or things that your mother droned on about….but if you think about it, you will be shocked at how few people do any of these on a regular basis.

If you are invited to a party or an event, respond in the manner the invitation came ( ie. If it was emailed – email it back) do this in a timely manner ( within 24 hours is best)

Get a organizer .. really… make note special events and your commitments and when someone asked you to dinner or to meet up for coffee, pull out your $2 pocket organizer and say – great! What date? And then WRITE IT IN.

RSVP to kids partys don’t just turn up and don’t turn up with extra guests, brothers or sisters and expect to be fed and entertained as well. Ensure you know the parent before the party and their expectations ( i.e whether you stay the entire time or if you drop and leave your child for a specific time)

If you are invited to a party, you bring a gift – be is small or otherwise. This is especially relevant for a childrens birthday party, engagements and weddings.

If you go to a friends place for a meal, you bring flowers, desert or a bottle of wine.

Offer to do the washing up after a meal and even if it is refused, stack and tidy the area, sweep or mop the floor.

If your children go for a play day with friends, you send morning or afternoon tea with them. If toys are taken out, or craft items spread around, ensure the area be resorted to a cleaner state than what it was before it was when the children arrived.

If you go somewhere with a friend and they have to pay for parking or tolls – offer to pay half – and especially in the economic climate now - offer petrol money.

If you stay at someones house – do so as you really want to see them, spend time in their space and be with that family – not because its cheaper than a motel. Bring a gift and chip in with household chores, make your bed and wash your sheets when you go to leave. Send a note of thanks or a postcard a few days afterwards.

If you borrow something, bring it back within the week and preferably with a gift or something to compliment it. ( ie. Fill the casserole dish up with lasagna or an apple crumble, clean and polish the tools, fill the mower up with petrol) this is ESPECIALLY true of books and DVDs. I have lost some very precious and rare titles, some of the signed or limited edition copies. I only lend to good friends so its especially heartbreaking to think that somewhere, gathering dust is one of my much loved items, unreturned. I know that it won’t be an intentional thing – that many items get stacked in a pile or placed in a bookshelf and simply forgotten. I don’t see it my place to go to friends houses to scour their shelves to retrieve borrowed things. Its thoughtlessness that causes it. Everyone so busy, they simple forget to think.

These rules are not just for friends – but for family too. Everyone needs to be acknowledged and thanked, appreciated and made a fuss of. Family especially tend to be mistreated or taken for granted. I am as guilty as the next person for saying things or doing things that you would NEVER do to a stranger. I know that I too need to being to live consciously…. ( another blog on its way!)

I have read reports which say that Gen Y is the least responsible, selfish generation yet and I fear for the direction of our society if this is true. I belong to Gen X and have two siblings who fall in the Gen Y category. I know we were parented the same way and yet, their views on the world, their demands and acceptance of things and especially their belief in their rights are so far removed from mine it is hard to sometimes believe we are related. It would seem that the rot which has beset Gen Y is seeming like a black cancer into all parts of society and all generations. The immediate access that society has with each other via mobile phones, has seemed to give everyone an excuse to be consistently late or to make late or change plans. The belief that Gen Y have a right to certain things including incredible wages straight out of uni. I have seen it mentioned that Gen Y is most concerned about lifestyle opportunities when choosing a career; but until workplaces can accept the needs of working parents and divide job tiles into part time roles, I cannot see this new requirement even getting a look in. In most western societies, a full time role might be paid 38 – 40 hours, but tends to be loaded with 10 – 15 hours of unpaid overtime as an expectation simply to keep the job, not as a sign of keenness or promotion material. I understand that Gen Y is all about socializing – their love and uptake on mobile phones (98% of them have one – over 70% have more than 2!!), inclusion on the things like facebook (97%) are testament to that. But I also read that employers say Gen-Ys are short on skills, demanding, impatient and far from loyal – flipping about jobs and companies. I read somewhere too that the spoilt bratishness of Gen Y is directly from the indulgence given them by baby boomers… so whose fault does this lay with? Poor old Gen X sits in the corener distrusting everything the government says and seeing commercialism in every cup of coffee.. I think what has been missed with Gen Ys beliefs on rights – is that responsibility is the flipside of that coin.

Anyway – back to Social Integrity….Is it so hard to have manners these days? I am proud of my children as they (mostly) display excellent manners everyday – to each other and especially to others in public. But I am a little dismayed at comments of awe from others who see my kids and how they could never expect their children to go to the movies, out to dinner or go camping as young as mine are. Is the next generation going ot be even worse than Gen Y?

Hummm enough I guess on social integrity… something I may revisit at a later date.