Social Integrity

This is a phrase that I have bandied about for a while, the idea solidifying as I experience more and more of the lack of it.

Social integrity is to keep ones word within a social context. If you say you will attend a party or a gathering, you put it into your diary and ensure that you go. You don’t allow another engagement to supersede it, or change your mind that day to whether you will be attending or not. Obviously there are a few exceptions – family being one for me particularly. There is a disturbing trend with people either not committing or their answers saying they will see what happens. What? Are they thinking that something better will come along? Am I of such low value in the friendship stakes that if they are faced at staying at home and watching the telly that they will have a think about it a few moments before they are meant to arrive to whether they will stay plonked staring at the idiot box or come and visit me?

I absolutely hate hosting party plan parties. I always feel like such a loser who has no friends. The poor consultant stands twiddling her thumbs looking at the empty chairs placed around the room and at the huge spread of food I invariably spend the day baking from scratch… and me kicking my heels into the benchs, going red because I had lots of people say they were going to come , and none show – or ring to say they were busy a few moments before the party was to start.

I am also disheartened with hosting dinner parties. I adore cooking a wonderful meal, choosing special wines, decorating the table and ensuring I have interesting guests who many not know each other – but to introduce them and forge friendships through the party. I wouldn’t say that I am an especially good cook. However, I pride myself in making everything from scratch. I am a creative cook and love to experiment with tastes and textures – much to the amusement of my family. ( I don’t experiment with dinner party food – they are tried and true recipes….) After the meal and we have fare welled our guests, I will usually ensure I tidy the kitchen and clear most of the dishes etc away before going to bed….I hardly will ever hear from the guests again in relation to the night. Where has manners gone? A note .. an sms, an email – simply saying – great meal last night –thanks. And I cannot think of a time we have been invited back for a meal at someones home. I used to think it was because I have two small children, but remembering back to before then, it was still the same deal. Besides, I have taken a great deal of trouble to ensure my kids have great table manners and I have no problems taking them to flash restaurants. I refuse to have children as an excuse for not having a life – so they come with us everywhere.

The event that has tipped me over the edge happened to me a few weekends ago. I had not seen a particular girlfriend or her kids for months, so arranged to have her come to my place for lunch on a Saturday. Her little boy had soccer practice and mine had music lessons in the morning, so it suited us both to meet for a shared lunch, catch up on gossip and allow the kids to play together. She has been a very dear friend and I had been looking forward to spending time with her since we made our arrangement. That morning, I fussed around the house, put flowers everywhere and made special efforts to ensure things were looking fresh and tidy. I had prepared a gorgeous light lunch with a very special dessert and laid the table. By 12.30, my kids were whiny and hungry, desperate to play with their friends and to eat lunch. I called her just to see if perhaps she had been caught up with a long practice session or in traffic. I was so astounded at her answer, I was speechless ( not a state I usually dwell in). She said “ Oh Hi. I was meaning to give you a call. We aren’t coming. Luke has a bit of a cold so didn’t think you’d want to catch it”. For one thing, I have long soliloquized my views on ‘colds’ and ‘sniffles’ ( very briefly – I don’t believe you can catch a cold – it’s a reaction of a body whose immune system is run down, not something that you can catch or pass on.) I was shocked that someone would leave it that late for a lunch date to pull out – especially given that they didn’t go to soccer practice that morning either. There was no resetting of a date or any follow up in communication. To say I was disappointed on many levels is an understatement.

So, I have collated a few simple rules in order for people to uphold social integrity. They may seem mundane or things that your mother droned on about….but if you think about it, you will be shocked at how few people do any of these on a regular basis.

If you are invited to a party or an event, respond in the manner the invitation came ( ie. If it was emailed – email it back) do this in a timely manner ( within 24 hours is best)

Get a organizer .. really… make note special events and your commitments and when someone asked you to dinner or to meet up for coffee, pull out your $2 pocket organizer and say – great! What date? And then WRITE IT IN.

RSVP to kids partys don’t just turn up and don’t turn up with extra guests, brothers or sisters and expect to be fed and entertained as well. Ensure you know the parent before the party and their expectations ( i.e whether you stay the entire time or if you drop and leave your child for a specific time)

If you are invited to a party, you bring a gift – be is small or otherwise. This is especially relevant for a childrens birthday party, engagements and weddings.

If you go to a friends place for a meal, you bring flowers, desert or a bottle of wine.

Offer to do the washing up after a meal and even if it is refused, stack and tidy the area, sweep or mop the floor.

If your children go for a play day with friends, you send morning or afternoon tea with them. If toys are taken out, or craft items spread around, ensure the area be resorted to a cleaner state than what it was before it was when the children arrived.

If you go somewhere with a friend and they have to pay for parking or tolls – offer to pay half – and especially in the economic climate now - offer petrol money.

If you stay at someones house – do so as you really want to see them, spend time in their space and be with that family – not because its cheaper than a motel. Bring a gift and chip in with household chores, make your bed and wash your sheets when you go to leave. Send a note of thanks or a postcard a few days afterwards.

If you borrow something, bring it back within the week and preferably with a gift or something to compliment it. ( ie. Fill the casserole dish up with lasagna or an apple crumble, clean and polish the tools, fill the mower up with petrol) this is ESPECIALLY true of books and DVDs. I have lost some very precious and rare titles, some of the signed or limited edition copies. I only lend to good friends so its especially heartbreaking to think that somewhere, gathering dust is one of my much loved items, unreturned. I know that it won’t be an intentional thing – that many items get stacked in a pile or placed in a bookshelf and simply forgotten. I don’t see it my place to go to friends houses to scour their shelves to retrieve borrowed things. Its thoughtlessness that causes it. Everyone so busy, they simple forget to think.

These rules are not just for friends – but for family too. Everyone needs to be acknowledged and thanked, appreciated and made a fuss of. Family especially tend to be mistreated or taken for granted. I am as guilty as the next person for saying things or doing things that you would NEVER do to a stranger. I know that I too need to being to live consciously…. ( another blog on its way!)

I have read reports which say that Gen Y is the least responsible, selfish generation yet and I fear for the direction of our society if this is true. I belong to Gen X and have two siblings who fall in the Gen Y category. I know we were parented the same way and yet, their views on the world, their demands and acceptance of things and especially their belief in their rights are so far removed from mine it is hard to sometimes believe we are related. It would seem that the rot which has beset Gen Y is seeming like a black cancer into all parts of society and all generations. The immediate access that society has with each other via mobile phones, has seemed to give everyone an excuse to be consistently late or to make late or change plans. The belief that Gen Y have a right to certain things including incredible wages straight out of uni. I have seen it mentioned that Gen Y is most concerned about lifestyle opportunities when choosing a career; but until workplaces can accept the needs of working parents and divide job tiles into part time roles, I cannot see this new requirement even getting a look in. In most western societies, a full time role might be paid 38 – 40 hours, but tends to be loaded with 10 – 15 hours of unpaid overtime as an expectation simply to keep the job, not as a sign of keenness or promotion material. I understand that Gen Y is all about socializing – their love and uptake on mobile phones (98% of them have one – over 70% have more than 2!!), inclusion on the things like facebook (97%) are testament to that. But I also read that employers say Gen-Ys are short on skills, demanding, impatient and far from loyal – flipping about jobs and companies. I read somewhere too that the spoilt bratishness of Gen Y is directly from the indulgence given them by baby boomers… so whose fault does this lay with? Poor old Gen X sits in the corener distrusting everything the government says and seeing commercialism in every cup of coffee.. I think what has been missed with Gen Ys beliefs on rights – is that responsibility is the flipside of that coin.

Anyway – back to Social Integrity….Is it so hard to have manners these days? I am proud of my children as they (mostly) display excellent manners everyday – to each other and especially to others in public. But I am a little dismayed at comments of awe from others who see my kids and how they could never expect their children to go to the movies, out to dinner or go camping as young as mine are. Is the next generation going ot be even worse than Gen Y?

Hummm enough I guess on social integrity… something I may revisit at a later date.